D&c follow up Appt.

Monday I finally went for my follow up Appt. 7 1/2 weeks after my D&C. It was at a different office then where my ultrasound was done that confirmed the loss of our lil' one. That made it a little easier to get through. Sitting in the exam room I tried not to think about the last time I had an ultrasound, thankfully I didn't have long to wait, the RE came in and she asked me how have I been holding up, I replied that I was ok, she smiled and patted my shoulder and told me I was a trooper and a strong woman. She asked how long did I bleed for, 2 weeks, she than asked me if AF had come and told her other than spotting brown a few days before nothing. She than put the dildo cam in place and told me that my lining was looking quite thick and that it was ready to be shed. She looked at both of my ovaries that showed no signs of ovulation and told me to get dressed and come to her office so we could go over the next steps.

In the office she pulled up a few images on her computer screen of my uterus, she told me that my uterus had a dip on top at the fundus which was considered a heart shaped or bicornuate uterus. She the proceeded to tell me that even though it was abnormally shaped she didn't believe that was the cause of my miscarriage. Then we talked about the possibility of chromosomal problems but she then also stated that we were young and it wasn't too common for that to be the cause at our age but told us that we both would be karotyped anyways. Then she started on the possibility of immune and clotting issues which she also ordered testing. By then I felt as if my head would explode with all the info she was telling us. Then she told me she wanted me to Start taking provera to start my AF and by the time I was ready to start the stims she would have the results of testing except for the karotyping. She also told me to start taking baby aspirin as a precaution daily except for when when I had a/f. I anxiously await the results of the testing and I am also scared of getting pregnant again only to miscarry. But I need to try again, I want to be a mom someday, not just a mom to angels.

New Year, New Hope

3 hours into the New Year, and here I am sipping on champagne when I should be celebrating with a glass of sparkling cider. When I think of the year 2010, a year that began with such hope and possibilities as all new years do, I can't help but to think of the losses that I have survived. I am not just thinking about my loss in July or my most recent loss, I am also thinking about and mourning the loss of innocence, excitement, and the enjoyment of pregnancy and TTC. 2010 has been most cruel to me and I am not sorry to see it leave, instead I wish it good riddance and hopefully as it's exiting the door slams it on it's ass!

2011 I am welcoming you with open arms as well as an open heart. I only ask that you treat me better than the last year has. Once again on the eve of the New Year I am full of hope and possibilities but I am also wary of last year repeating itself this year. My follow up appointment with my RE is on the Jan. 10th, we will be discussing my options as well as the next course of treatment. I look forward to working through this and hope to have some answers as well as some hope. Happy New Year!! I am hopeful that its better!

D&C Test Results

Today my RE called she wanted to see how I was feeling. I was happy to tell her that the bleeding and cramping was behind me. She was happy to hear that and then she dumped on me the news that the tissue she sent for testing after my D&C came back as normal pregnancy tissue with not enough to do chromosomal testing. Then the RE asked me if I made my follow up appt to which I responded not yet, well she said I will be gone from the week before Christmas to after Christmas so I'll see you then. I really had hoped to get an appt sooner so we could discuss the next steps and what testing should I be looking into because if everything was normal, it has to be something in my body that caused me to miscarry. I hung up the phone and began to cry because I started to think about the perfect little one that I was carrying and not knowing what caused me to lose my lil angel.

2 Weeks Post D&C

Last  time I blogged I was still cramping and bleeding heavily. I am happy to say that I am no longer cramping or bleeding! This is good because it means that my hcg level is most likely down to less than 5 and my body is getting back on track. Wednesday and Thursday (Thanksgiving) I bled on and off with (TMI ahead, if squeamish turn back now) clots that were red and white looking, I googled and I am quite sure it was placental tissue pieces that were scraped off but missed being suctioned out. It was disgusting and after passing these my bleeding would get heavier I was so scared I would have to go back to the ER or have to get another D&C but Thursday evening my bleeding started to lighten and by Friday morning I was just spotting brownish looking discharge.

Now I'm waiting for my follow up appt. I should be seeing my DR in a week or so. I have to call and set the appt. I am anxious to find out if the tissue testing will tell us what went wrong. I'm also hoping to hear how long we will have to wait until we can try again. Physically I think she will say right after my next AF cycle but emotionally I may need to wait a little longer. I still have days where I want to crawl into a hole and forget everything around me, I also get so angry I want to scream and throw things, but I don't follow through on those urges. Other days I am sad but get through it with out any tears or angry feelings. I hope this phase doesn't last too much longer its exhausting to go through so many ups and downs. Its getting better though, I have a more ok days then bad days. I love my DH, he is such a rock to lean on, he understands my ups and downs and doesn't say anything but will hug me and let me cry.

Recovery Problems

The day of the procedure I  was still numb from the medicine they gave me so I didn't feel much. The next day I had cramping and light bleeding. on Friday I had severe cramping with light bleeding that the Motrin 800mg the Dr. prescribed didn't really help. Saturday it was worse, I had contraction like cramping every 5-10 mins which would take my breath away. I finally had enough of the pain and decided to go to the ER. I got there and they had me give a urine sample then they brought me back to a room. The nurse took a few vials of blood and put in an Iv port. Then the Dr came in, she told me that she was going to do a pelvic exam and also send me down for an ultrasound to make sure there wasn't any retained pregnancy items. Then she asked me if I would like some morphine for pain, which was given through injection in the backside. I declined the morphine and was given Tylenol with Codeine. I was sent to the ultrasound first, the tech first tried to use the handheld wand on my abdomen, which was very painful, and couldn't really see if there was anything, then she used the trans vaginal wand aka Dildo cam which was even more painful. She didn't say much about what she saw and told me the Dr. would give me more info.

After the ultrasound I was taken back to the room and hooked up to a monitor that showed my pulse and oxygen saturation. They also hooked me up to a blood pressure cuff that would take my blood pressure every 15 minutes (which was very annoying!). The Dr came back in to do the pelvic exam  and OMG that was painful, normally they aren't very comfortable, but this was excruciating, it felt like she was ramming her finger all the way up my uterus. I was climbing the back of the bed just  to get away from her. After the exam she told me she was going to call the Dr who did my procedure and she would be back with what would be next. What seemed like an eternity later she came back and told me that the ultrasound showed my lining was still very thick, and that there was blood pooling in my uterus also she told me that I have a mild infection called endometritis which contributed to the intense cramping I was feeling. I was given a prescription for antibiotics and Tylenol with codeine and sent home with instructions to follow up with my regular Dr.

I have been feeling cramping still with more increased bleeding, but nothing as severe as Friday and Saturday. I am hoping that I will hurry up and recover from this procedure, I really thought it would be easier. Nothing is ever easier for me it seems. Emotionally I'm a little bitter and numb, sadness comes in waves and doesn't last long. I'm just tired I guess and want to move on from this whole experience.

My D&C experience

Wednesday the 17th I went in for my procedure. Everything seemed to happen so quickly. I arrived at 11am, DH had to drop me off at the entrance because there was no parking to be found in the garage. I went to the outpatient surgery desk and was given some paperwork to fill out regarding past procedures and allergy information. From there I took the elevator to the surgery center I only waited a few minutes in the waiting room before being called back to change into the fashionable and accessible hospital gown. Then it was time to go to the back where a bed was waiting for me. I got in and nervously looked around at all the medical supplies. Nurse came in to ask me questions and start my IV I was really starting to get nervous at that time, but she was nice and numbed my hand before putting the IV in. Then finally my DH got come back to wait with me. The anesthesiologist nurse came in to ask me more questions and to tell me the Dr would be in shortly to give me something to relax me. A few mins later the Dr. came in with something in syringe and pushed the medicine into my IV line, the nurse came back and told me everything was ready to go and that it was time, told DH that I loved him and gave him my wedding ring (which he dropped!!! and had to go to lost and found to get it back) he kissed me on the forehead and told me he loved me and that he'll be there as soon as they will allow him to come back. I remember being rolled through the hallways even though I was feeling groggy, and being told to slide onto the bed in the operating room. The last thing I remember was the Dr putting on the oxygen mask and telling me to take deep breaths.

Next thing I remember is feeling someone tucking something between legs and saying she should be waking up in a minute. I opened my eyes and said hi, looked around at the Dr.s and nurses and asked them if they were done yet. I then got rolled back into the recovery room and was given water and then ginger ale and graham crackers. DH came back and gave me a hug and asked I was feeling, I told him I felt funny and then I told him that he should have some of the meds I had they were good! 30 mins later the nurse came in and said it was time for me to go the bathroom and to see if I was ready to go home. I got dressed and was wheeled out to the car. All in all, the experience wasn't that bad and I am grateful for the wonderful nurses and doctors who took care of me. I hope I never have to have the procedure again though.

D&C on Wednesday

Friday I went to the dr.s since it was 2weeks+ That we found out that our little one had stopped growing. Dr. did one last ultrasound to see what was going on, she told us that the lil one stopped growing at around 7wks and that it looked like my body was already reabsorbing everything in the sack although the sack was measuring at 10 weeks. She also stated it could take several more weeks before my body would miscarry naturally. So we scheduled the D&C for Wednesday. She told me that she would be doing the procedure ( which I am happy about that, I'm not sure if I could trust anyone else) and that she would be sending tissue samples out for testing to see if it was chromosomally or something else that caused the miscarriage.

I am so nervous, Tuesday I will have to call the medical center for pre registration and on I will start fasting that night meaning no drinking liquids including water, and no food past 10pm. On Wednesday I will have to be at the medical center at 11am and my procedure won't be until 1pm. The dr. told me that the D&C will only take 20-30 mins and that I will be under light sedation. I will probably able to leave the hosptial by 3. I hope this will go smoothly and that this will be the first and only time I will have to have this procedure done.

Breathe

Today is the fourth day since finding out that I'm going to miscarry. It feels much longer though, I don't think I can wait much longer to get this over with and move on. I am going to call my dr. soon to ask her for the D&C because I am having a hard time emotionally, I am also scared to have be alone when it happens.

Today I was watching a show that I dvr'd a few weeks ago. The host had on a music performance by a guy named Ryan Star, he sang his song Breathe. The whole song I had tears running down my face. The song just really resonated with me about all that I have been feeling since thursday,the part of lyrics that are in Italics is the part that really had me tearing up the most. Here is a video and the lyrics for the song Breathe:



Ryan Star - Breathe Lyrics

She’s fine, most of the time
She takes her days with a smile
She moves like dancing in light
Spinning around to the sound
But sometimes she falls down

CHORUS:
Breathe, just breathe
Take the world off your shoulders
And put it on me
Breathe, just breathe
Let the life that you lead
Be all that you need

She likes New York at night
She dreams of running away
Shine on, bright like the sun
When even the sky turns grey

I need you to hear me say
I need you to hear me say

CHORUS:
Breathe, just breathe
Take the world off your shoulders
And put it on me
Breathe, just breathe
Let the life that you lead
Be all that you need

Let go of the fear
Let go of the time
Let go of the ones
Who try to put you down
You’re gonna be fine
Don’t hold it inside
If you hurt right now
Then let it all come out

CHORUS:
Breathe, just breathe
Take the world off your shoulders
And put it on me
Breathe, just breathe
Let the life that you lead
Be all that you need
Breathe, just breathe
Take the world off your shoulders
And put it on me
Breathe, just breathe
Let the life that you lead
Be all that you need

Let go of the fear
Let go of the time
Take the world off your shoulders
And put it on me

8w2d Bad news

Today I went in for my 8 week ultrasound. The dr. put the probe in place and thats when things started to go wrong. He was really silent for a few mins and kept scrolling and scrolling on the screen. I knew something was not going well when 10 mins have passed without him saying anything. Thats when he told me that my lil one has stopped growing and the heart has stopped beating. He didn't say how long ago it had happened but he did say that it did happen sometime in the past couple of days. I am beyond devestated. I don't know what has happened. I'm so scared. The dr. gave me a few options, 1, to let pass naturally which can take up to two weeks for it to happen, and its somewhat traumatizing, 2, to go for the D&C which is surgery, but lessens the trauma. or 3, take a medicine that will force my body to expel everything immediately which is traumatizing and can some complications. I am leaning towards the D&C because I don't know when the miscarraige will happen and I most likely will be alone, which scares me. My heart is breaking. Gone too soon my lil one, I'll never forget you my lil angel.

7w0d

Baby's brain -- both hemispheres! -- is growing fast, generating about 100 new cells every minute. Arms and legs are emerging as joints start to form, and a permanent set of kidneys (baby's third!) is now in place.

Today I am 7 weeks pregnant. I have had a very rough week since I last posted. On Thursday the 14th I started bleeding red and somewhat heavily. I was so scared, I called the DH who was at work and told him I needed to go to the ER immediately because I was bleeding. We spent over 3hrs at the ER where the doctor was a complete douche and wouldn't do any ultrasounds and was telling me that this happens and that there was nothing they could do for me. He called my Dr. and told her what was happening and that I should go see her soon. I went home and relaxed so sure it was over. The next day I passed a blood clot the size of my pinky finger, and then I stopped bleeding completely. I haven't bled since then I'm praying that everything is ok and can't wait for my next appt. on the 28th.

About Me:

How far along? 7w0d

Total weight gain/loss: 1-2 lbs

Maternity clothes? Not yet, though my pants are starting to get a little tighter around the waist

Stretch marks? a few but not from this lil' one

Sleep: Yes Please!!! Sleeping is like my job now, I'm seriously logging in at least 10 hrs a day lol!

Best moment this week: The bleeding and spotting has stopped!

Movement: too early, I can't wait to feel the lil' one!

Food cravings: Salads, and lemon lime soda and rootbeer.

Gender: still too early to know

Belly Button in or out? in

What I miss: nothing really, I'm still in the honeymoon phase of this pregnancy where I'm happy about everything

What I am looking forward to: Our 8 week ultrasound on 10/28

Milestones: 1st Ultrasound show heart beating and measuring on target!!!!!

Symptoms-

sore BB's

Frequent urination

Heartburn with some nausea

Extreme Fatigue

mood swings :) to :( back to :) in minutes!



6w1d First Ultrasound Photo!!!

Today DH and I went for our first Ultrasound to see the lil' one. I was a little anxious because I started spotting last week that has continued with cramping. I was expecting to hear not good news at all. The Dr. began the ultrasound and he reassured me that everything is growing and looking on target for being 6 weeks pregnant, he also showed DH and I the lil' one's heart beating and told me to relax that everything is going to go great! DH and I were so excited!!! Here's our lil' one's first Pictures!!!!

6w1d





Growing like crazy, baby is starting to sprout eyes, ears, nose, cheeks and chin. Those little hands and feet- still webbed like paddles- might wiggle by week's end, the heart is beating (almost twice as fast as yours!), and blood is starting circulate.

About Me:

How far along? 6w1d

Total weight gain/loss: < 1 lb

Maternity clothes? Not yet, still fitting into my regular clothes

Stretch marks? a few but not from this lil' one

Sleep: Yes Please!!! Sleeping is like my job now, I'm seriously logging in at least 10 hrs a day lol!

Best moment this week: Seeing my lil sweet pea's first picture and heartbeat on the ultrasound!

Movement: too early, I can't wait to feel the lil' one!

Food cravings: Salads, and lemon lime soda and rootbeer.

Gender: still too early to know

Belly Button in or out? in

What I miss: nothing really, I'm still in the honeymoon phase of this pregnancy where I'm happy about everything

What I am looking forward to: Our 8 week ultrasound on 10/28

Milestones: 1st Ultrasound show heart beating and measuring on target!!!!!

Symptoms-

sore BB's

Frequent urination

Heartburn with some nausea

Extreme Fatigue

mood swings :) to :(  back to :)  in minutes!

5w0d and 3rd Beta today

Your embryo (looking kind of like a tadpole) is starting to form major organs (heart, kidney, liver, stomach) and systems (nervous, circulatory, digestive)

Today I am 5w0d's Pregnant!!!! I never thought I'd get to say this! I went this morning for my 3rd Beta blood work today, Beta#3 2243 @ 21DPO!!!! Right where it should be for how far along I am! I'm going to start a weekly post that will show how big the lil' one is and little questioniare about how I am  feeling. Here is my five weeks post:

About Me

How far along? 5w0d

Total weight gain/loss: < 1 lb

Maternity clothes? Not yet, still fitting into my regular clothes

Stretch marks? a few but not from this lil' one

Sleep: Yes Please!!! Sleeping is like my job now, I'm seriously logging in at least 10 hrs a day lol!

Best moment this week: Getting past my last chemical PG date of 4w3d from June

Movement: too early, I can't wait to feel the lil' one!

Food cravings: Salads, and lemon lime soda

Gender: still too early to know

Belly Button in or out? in

What I miss: nothing really, I'm still in the honeymoon phase of this pregnancy where I'm happy about everything

What I am looking forward to: Our 1st u/s on 10/13

Milestones: I'm 5 weeks!

Symptoms-
sore BB's
Frequent urination

Heartburn with some nausea

Extreme Fatigue

Follow up from yesterday

This morning my dr. called again just to wish me Congratulations, she also wanted to tell me that she wants me to go next week on Monday or Tuesday for another Beta draw just to make sure the #s are where they are supposed to be. I understand why she needs to be sure, I'm still in shock and whatever I have to do to put my our minds at ease I'll do. She also told me that my first ob ultrasound will be on October 13th, 12 days to go! I'm so excited!! I'm 4w3d the same time back in June when I found out that I was going to have a chemical pregnancy loss. Its a bittersweet feeling, I'm so nervous, I keep checking the toilet paper after I wipe scanning for spots of blood. Every cramp and twinge I feel has my mind wondering if  I'll start bleeding soon. I am trying to be positive though, I have only a few symptoms, my breasts hurt and I'm more tired then I've ever felt before and I frequently have the urge to go to the bathroom. I didn't feel this way last time so this gives me a little hope.

Beta #1 and #2

Monday I went in for my First Beta blood test. I waited all afternoon for the results. Finally a little before 4:30 the Dr. called and told me Congratulations you are now very early pregnant my beta was 34, she said its a little on the low side, but she was hopeful, told me to go back today for my 2nd Beta. Once again  I waited all afternoon, my mind varying from postive thoughts of doubling, to negative thoughts of lower #s. Just when I thought I was going to go insane from the suspense the Dr. called just a little bit passed 4:30 with the Great news that my beta not only doubled but almost tripled from 34 to 133. I AM  PREGNANT!!!!!! They also tested my progesterone which was at 17.5 which is ok, but I'll have to continue the progesterone supps. She told me that she'll call me soon for an ultrasound appt. to check to make sure everything is where it's supposed to be. I am beyond shocked, excited, nervous. I never thought I'd get to say those words! Here are a few pics of tests that I have taken.

Injectable Cycle #2 Folliscan #3

Well this weekend certainly didn't go as planned! On Saturday morning the Dh had to go into the office early around 5:30 and had to pick some poolees to train. On the way back from picking up poolees on route to the office, he had a little accident. His work car is a little messed up on the passenger side. He called me at 6:57 To tell me this, Remember I had an appointment for my 3rd and hopefully last ultrasound at 7:30. I freaked out immediately, after being assured he wasn't hurt then I was beyond p' offed! I had to call in and tell them what happened, they were understanding and told me that if I could come in before 12 they would fit me in for an ultrasound without the blood work because the lab would already be done for the day by 10:00. I called DH and asked him if he would be done with everything related to insurance, and documenting the incident before 11:00 which he replied with a negative. I was even more P'offed by then and told him what I thought of that, afterwards I apologized, but at the time I was worried I was going to have to cancel the cycle.  So I had to call and reschedule for Sunday.

Sunday I went in at 9:15 for the Folliscan and blood work, first my blood work was done to check for my E2 levels then I went back for my scan. My RE was the one who did the scan this morning, which I was surprised since usually its a nurse who specializes in sonography. She was a little taken aback at how much CM (cervical mucus) that I had, and told me that I most likely had a very high E2 level. Then went on to tell me my lining was "perfect". Once she started on the ovaries, she got all serious, and told me that I had at least 2 good mature follicles at 16,18 and a few at14, 12 that could catch up if I continued on my stims. Then she told me I had a lot of little follicles that weren't going to release but probably wasn't making me feel that great, which was true, I've been having terrible cramping twinges on both sides since Friday night. She told me that I may have a slight possibility for twins if we conceived. I was a little taken aback by that, but then said well we will try and handle that situation if it arises, she laughed and said that's what you say now! Around 2pm I got a call from the RE telling me my E2 levels were over 1400 and she didn't want me to continue stimming due to the fact that she was afraid that I would get OHSS (Ovarian Hyper Stimulation Syndrome) and instead of releasing only 1-2 Mature Eggs, I would release anywhere between 4-5, which of course should be avoided at all costs!!!! I was told to trigger tonight and only use 2/3s of the meds and discard the rest. I triggered tonight at 9pm, so now Its bowchikawowow time!!!! I will be getting my HCG beta blood test on Sept. 27th!!! I really hope this cycle works!!!!!

Injectable Cycle #2 Folliscan #2

Went in for my 2nd Follicscan this morning at 8:00 am. My numbers have decreased from 10 to 6. Right ovary has 4 that measure  14,10,10,10,8 and Left ovary has 2 that measure 12,8. My Follistim was reduced from 175 IU back down to 150 IU due to the fact that the three follicles on the right ovary are so close in size they don't want to overstimulate or release more than 3 follicles at triggger.We don't want our own TV show on TLC called DH and Jen plus 10 lmao!  I am so tender in my abdomen, I don't want to bend over, and my belly is starting to look like a pin cushion, speckled with little dots and bruises. Hopefully I only have to do two more shots of Follistim and then the trigger. I have an appt. for my third Folliscan on Saturday at 7:30 am. The receptionsist was funny today here is the way our convo went:

R- Saturday the latest I have is 9:30, so is that good?
Me- Ummm whats the earliest? DH has to be somewhere around that time
R- The earliest??? 7:30, but nobody wants to be up at that God awful time on a Weekend.
Me- I'll Take it, I don't usually like to be, but I guess I'll suck it up.
R- Better You then Me! Have a nice weekend!

Injectable Cycle #2 Folliscan #1

This morning I had my first follicle scan for this cycle. It much more painful than I remember from last time! I have 10 follicles!!!!!!! 5 on the Left and 5 on the right! Lefty is growing an 11,3-8s and a 6 and Righty is growing a 10, 3-8s and a 6. I was so surprised when she told me this, last cycle I only had four 2 on each ovary, which then went down to 3, and then to 2 to 1. Hopefully I'll be able to get two great follies from this cycle! Looks like the upping my dosage from 125 last cycle to 150 worked, then the nurse called and told me to up my dosage to 175 for the next two nights, and come back for my second follicscan on thursday. In other news AF doesn't seem to want to leave, I've been spotting for 3 days now, and hopeing to be done soon.

Injectable Cycle #2 Baseline Ultrasound

Today I went in for my baseline ultrasound at 7:45 am. Everything looks great,  I got the all clear to start stimming. I will be getting a call from my nurse this afternoon with my dosage instructions and my next appt. date.  I'm excited to start this cycle and am hoping that we will have success! Here we go again!

Finally the Witch has arrived!

After 7 days of the hell that is provera, just ask my DH I was no Mary Sunshine last week, and a few days of waiting the witch arrived with her buddies cramps and fatigue yesterday. I am happy though, I have Follistim that has been sitting in the fridge for almost two weeks waiting on my cycle to start. I was beginning to think that I wouldn't be able to do this cycle due to timing. I called my nurse and set an appointment on Saturday for my baseline scan. I hope there are no cysts on my ovaries, and I'll be ready to stim on Saturday. I have a feeling my dosage will be slightly increased due to the fact that last cycle I only had 1 really big follicle that was ready to be triggered with a few smaller ones that weren't mature enough. At trigger they want to see at least 2 Big follicles to give better chances. It worked last time, I hope it will work this time, although I do have a fear that I'll have another Chemical :(